Yes, I know it’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Day…but closer to home, it’s also The Snarky Assbadger’s Birthday!!! Happy half-century! You are now officially OLD.
The Assbadger and I have been a team for almost 50 years, and I can’t imagine life without him. I am very close to a couple of people who don’t have siblings, and I feel bad for them, because without a brother or sister, who can confirm that your parents really are as irrational and crazy as you think they are? Who teaches you how to drive a stick? Who makes you laugh so hard you blow Coke out your nose?
That’s what siblings are for.
In the case of the Assbadger, they’re also for imparting critical life lessons, like:
- Seatbelts are really unnecessary when your Jeep doesn’t have doors or windows. Also, if you happen to fly out of the passenger seat of said Jeep as it takes a corner at 65 mph in a 25 mph residential area, it’s better not to tell Mom.
- Cinnamon toast will burn if you put it under the broiler and then go outside to play basketball. There’s also a strong chance that the smoke alarm will go off, which is a problem if you’ve accidentally locked yourselves out of the house in your hurry to get to the basketball. Again, it’s better not to tell Mom.
- Peach Hi-C and Fruit Loops make for a nutritionally-sound breakfast, especially if eaten in a hurry while your grandmother is in the shower and thinks you’re having Raisin Bran.
- It is completely rational to journey all the way from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side in order to purchase a chocolate croissant from Zabar’s. If you have to call in sick in order to make this journey, that, too, is a rational decision.
- An ideal location to learn how to roller blade is a cluster of boulders in Central Park, where your beginner’s luck can be tested with vertical drops and jagged surfaces. Also fun? Daring your sibling to ride her bike home from Central Park without using the brakes even once. (Look out, Katie Couric!)
- It is appropriate to go behind one another’s back in an attempt to finagle a choice antique away from its seller. Once procured, said highly-desirable item should be lorded over the losing sibling for the duration of the loser’s lifetime.
- Whenever possible, take your Brother/Sister Snark Team on the road for maximum fun! Desirable locations for inappropriate commentary and hijinks include: church services, doctor’s offices, funerals, holiday dinners, physical therapy offices, diners, real estate offices, emergency rooms, weddings, five star hotels, and, of course, Las Vegas.
Happy Birthday, Assbadger! Here’s to many, many more! Thanks for going before me and paving the way…even though that meant I sometimes had to make you MOVE.