Fishing Gone Wild

 

Fishing, my friends, has gone totally BADASS.


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This is a tiny slice of a normal selection. You may want to pack a lunch.

Fishing lures, too, have gone badass. A trip to your local hardware store will reveal that lures now fall into one of two categories:

  1. Sexy
  2. Destructive

The Sexy Lures have names like:

The Spinning Seductress (“A Slutty Shine No Fish Can Resist”),

Jezebel the Jig (“This Little Devil’s Got a Bucktail Skirt”)

The Whirling Whore (“Her Side to Side Brings Fish to the Hook”),

and

Naughty Trixie the Trolling Spoon (Drag ‘er Fast in Rough Water”). 

You can even buy a Badonk a Donk Lure. I’m not kidding.

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You thought she’d have a little more junk in the trunk, didn’t you?

The Destructive Lures are even better. They have names like:
The BASS ASSASSIN.  

The CAJUN KILLER.  

The AMBERJACK ANNIHILATOR.  

The ROCKFISH WRECKER.  

The FLOUNDER FLAYER.  

And, our favorite, the DEADLY DICK.

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Honestly, based on those names, you’d expect any fish you caught to emerge from the water in tiny pieces, blasted to bits by the sheer force of the lure.

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“What was that, Bob?”

“Well, hell, Frank. I think it was a beautiful rockfish, but it’s hard to tell from the bloody shrapnel. It’s a damn shame, too, ’cause I promised the wife a fish for dinner.”

“What lure were you using there, Bob?”

“It was the Deadly Dick. Tore that fish to bits. Basically blew her out of the water.”

“Ahh. Well, it happens. Try my Piscine Prostitute. The fish come out of the water a little

dirty and ashamed, but fairly intact.”

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Even fishing tattoos have gone badass. Above is a lovely memorial to Gramps and his cane pole, circa 1989.

Below is a more recent memorial, ostensibly to the awesome destructive power of the lure.

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So the moral of this story is, if your buddy invites you fishing, don’t expect a relaxing day, putting Wonder Bread and worms on a cane pole with a hook. That is a thing of the past, a relic, like the Ball in a Cup game is to Call of Duty. 

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Modern Badass Fishing requires a bit more (like $1555 of organic, farm-raised, gluten-free, free-range bait, approximately $8500 worth of titanium rods and reels, $4,623 worth of lures, and the desire to seek and destroy anything that swims).

The good news? You can still drink Natty.

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Happy Fishing!

 

 

4 thoughts on “Fishing Gone Wild

  1. When it comes to off shore fishing, if that fish don’t amount to $750/lb (taking into account the boat payment, gas, beer, bait, suntan lotion although that is for sissies, gear and tackle, food, snacks, replacement cost for the rod that will inevitably break, truck payment-how else you gonna get the boat to the water, unless you have a marina slip, superglue to seal up those cuts on fingers cuz ain’t nobody got time for bleeding when the fish are biting, cool fishing shirt, sunglasses, spare sunglasses when the first pair go overboard, fish finder, fish gaff, nets, filet knife, kicking stereo to fill in the hours-long void between yelling “FISH ON!”, more beer, trolling motor, motor oil, emergency crap that The Man makes us carry on board, cooler for beer, cooler for possible fish, and of course extra Deadly Dicks) then it ain’t gonna be any good to eat.

    My 11th grade world lit teacher, Maxine Boutwell, best teacher ever!, told me she liked to fish. I asked her what she usually caught and she said “it’s not about the fish, dear boy- it’s the fact that my boat is too small for anyone else to go with me”.

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    1. $750/lb. sounds completely on the mark, and I appreciate that you put the calculations in the form of a word problem, rather than making me do math!
      I love to fish because it involves the holy trinity of sunshine, saltwater, and beer. The fish themselves are actually just incidental, and not even really critical…. which is a good thing, since everyone knows that if there’s a rusty hook around, it’s got a much better chance of going in my hand than in a fish!
      Thanks for reading!

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  2. How true and how cleverly written. I should probably sell my boat and fishing gear so that I can save for retirement rather than putting all of my disposable income into Penn reels and voluminous amounts of tackle. But then, when I retire, I won’t have enough money for a boat, so FISH ON!!

    Great, great blog!!

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    1. I’d like to weigh in with a solid NO! on the idea of selling your boat, first of all — and secondly, surely all the tackle that’s been untangled has saved tons of money?!!!? Oh wait….that’s not how economics works.
      Thanks so much for reading – glad you enjoyed the post!

      Like

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