Fishing, my friends, has gone totally BADASS.
Fishing lures, too, have gone badass. A trip to your local hardware store will reveal that lures now fall into one of two categories:
The Sexy Lures have names like:
The Spinning Seductress (“A Slutty Shine No Fish Can Resist”),
Jezebel the Jig (“This Little Devil’s Got a Bucktail Skirt”)
The Whirling Whore (“Her Side to Side Brings Fish to the Hook”),
Naughty Trixie the Trolling Spoon (“Drag ‘er Fast in Rough Water”).
You can even buy a Badonk a Donk Lure. I’m not kidding.
The Destructive Lures are even better. They have names like:
The BASS ASSASSIN.
The CAJUN KILLER.
The AMBERJACK ANNIHILATOR.
The ROCKFISH WRECKER.
The FLOUNDER FLAYER.
And, our favorite, the DEADLY DICK.
Honestly, based on those names, you’d expect any fish you caught to emerge from the water in tiny pieces, blasted to bits by the sheer force of the lure.
“What was that, Bob?”
“Well, hell, Frank. I think it was a beautiful rockfish, but it’s hard to tell from the bloody shrapnel. It’s a damn shame, too, ’cause I promised the wife a fish for dinner.”
“What lure were you using there, Bob?”
“It was the Deadly Dick. Tore that fish to bits. Basically blew her out of the water.”
“Ahh. Well, it happens. Try my Piscine Prostitute. The fish come out of the water a little
dirty and ashamed, but fairly intact.”
Even fishing tattoos have gone badass. Above is a lovely memorial to Gramps and his cane pole, circa 1989.
Below is a more recent memorial, ostensibly to the awesome destructive power of the lure.
So the moral of this story is, if your buddy invites you fishing, don’t expect a relaxing day, putting Wonder Bread and worms on a cane pole with a hook. That is a thing of the past, a relic, like the Ball in a Cup game is to Call of Duty.
Modern Badass Fishing requires a bit more (like $1555 of organic, farm-raised, gluten-free, free-range bait, approximately $8500 worth of titanium rods and reels, $4,623 worth of lures, and the desire to seek and destroy anything that swims).
The good news? You can still drink Natty.